Dear Maggie,
You have been in
Utah for 9 or 10 days now and we wanted to give you more of an idea why we
decided on sending you to this program. Your
behavior was having an impact on the family and it was very disruptive. We would like you to understand exactly what
we mean by giving you specific examples.
Dinner time--Most times when we sat down to eat as a
family, you became irritated by minor noises, facial expressions, humming, whistling,
movements or comments and glared or raised your voice to correct the offending
person. If Lexi tried to talk, you would interrupt or criticize what she said. If we asked you to stop glaring, talking, or
criticizing, you reacted with anger and you argued or muttered insults until
everyone at the table was frustrated with your behavior. If/when we asked you to leave you would storm
off screaming, yelling, and banging things on your way up the stairs. This behavior scared Nicolas and Lexi and
they would become very upset.
Entitlement of
the living room-- You
would sit down to watch a show or use your computer and if Lexi or Nicolas
walked by or sat down you would protest that they were bothering you or it was
YOUR show to watch alone. You yelled at
them and when we stepped in to say the room was for anyone’s use, you would make
it agonizingly difficult to be in the room with you.
Your overall sense
of ownership and entitlement--We
were frustrated by your lack of sharing when it came to anything. Whether it was an old piece of clothing that
you had grown out of, a bag of chips, a magazine, an ice cream drumstick, or a
book…you failed to consider that these items were communal. If you weren’t using an item and someone else
wanted to use it, you would snatch it out of their hands. Even if you hadn’t touched the item in over a
year, you suddenly became interested in it because someone else wanted it. Examples include the Tamagotchis, Kit the
American Girl doll and The Hunger Games book. Rarely, if ever, did you share
anything, yet you expected the rest of the family to share their items with
you.
Complaining
when asked to do your chores--
We expect everyone to contribute to the maintenance of the household, yet we
felt like we had to walk on eggshells and choose which chores to give you for
fear of the repercussions if you had a chore that overwhelmed you. And, then when we asked you to do your chores
you frequently said “it’s not my chore!” or “in a minute” or “can I do that
later?”. If we said no, you would
argue, throw a tantrum (sit on the floor and cry), or slam things around. It
was extremely rare for you to just do the chore when asked. Your constant manipulation regarding chores
made it extremely difficult for us to carry out family life. It has appeared as though you have no respect
for the responsibilities of being a part of a family unit. It has required so
much emotional stamina to coerce you to do what is expected of you. We all became
exhausted and impatient. The constant battle tended to “let you off the hook”
because rather than force you to do what you should have done in the first
place, we chose to keep the peace and let it go. Subsequently you took
advantage of the system. This frustrated all the adults to no end.
Constant negotiating-- Do I really need to go to diving
tonight? Why do we have to study
Geometry tonight…I don’t have any homework in Geometry. Why can’t I do this
chore tomorrow? Can I switch chores with
someone else?
Your Car
behavior—you “owned” the radio,
and if anyone sang to a song on the radio you would change the radio
station. It caused a lot of conflict and
tension and made car rides MOST unpleasant.
School work: You did the minimum studying for tests,
doing geometry, doing your projects, and choosing your course-load. You are a very bright young lady who should
be taking at LEAST honors courses and yet you refuse to stretch yourself and do
your best work in everything.
Managing your
daily life/grooming: You don’t get yourself up for school
(independently). You can’t part and
brush your own hair. You don’t brush
your teeth on a regular basis. You eat
your food with your fingers. Your underwear
is frequently showing; you are too lazy to put on a belt. You have all kinds of wonderful jewelry and
you refuse to wear it because it takes that extra minute to put it on. You struggle with wearing pads or putting in
a Tampax and then you bleed on your underwear and leave them lying around your
room.
Diving…you tried to get out of going to diving
when you knew your coach would ask you to do a dive you were scared to do. You refuse to push yourself.
Lack of Social
interaction or initiative --
You were asked to join a club or two at school so you could get to know kids
who share your same interests and become more involved in the social aspects of
school. You never even tried to go to a
club. You went to the library rather than
branch out of your comfort zone. You
would frequently protest to go to youth group activities yet when you were made
to go, you had a great time.
Possessiveness
with relationships—You
make it exceedingly difficult for friends and family members to have
relationships with anyone other than yourself.
For example, you get your feelings hurt when mom has a close
relationship with another person (i.e. Brittany, Michael, or any other
caregiver in our lives). You get very
upset when Tanya does things without you or says she is too busy. You take it personally rather than understand
that others have their own lives.
Behaving this way toward Tanya has caused tension between you and Tanya. You don’t seem to grasp that you have a part
in this tension. You blame her for not
wanting to call you or talk to you rather than taking responsibility for your
behaviors toward her.
We love you very
much, Maggie. We think of you often and
hope you are taking advantage of this opportunity to grow and learn. You have so many unique and wonderful
qualities. It is our hope that you
develop your strengths and learn to manage your challenges. We would like you to look at yourself, come to
terms with why you are there, and take responsibility for your actions. We
would like you to gain self-esteem and self-confidence so you can accept what
has to be done and succeed. We want you to put forth effort and do your best in
every situation, even if there is no immediate reward. Often the most difficult challenges are the
most rewarding to overcome, because the rewards don’t come easily. If you can grasp this concept you will be on
your way to a life of independence.
Love and smiles,
Mom and Dad
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