Monday, January 23, 2012

Dumb men....especially when they are learning disabled! ARGH!

OMG....I am exhausted from taking care of 4 challenged people.  A husband, an almost 16 yr old autistic girl, a mentally retarded 14 year old boy, and an 11 year old girl who has ADHD!  Oh....man.....today I wanted to give up...but I know I can't....and I don't really know what keeps me going.......it would be so nice to just stop doing everything for everyone!  Sustaining this kind of effort is really exhausting, even though I have nurses for Nicolas.

Where to begin....Maggie...ok....Maggie.  She is THE most difficult "normal"ish child I could have ever been given.  Every step of the day is exhausting for me.  She is incapable of managing her own responsibilities.....she texts me for stupid questions she could figure out, she texts me to record a show that she is perfectly capable of recording when she gets home...she can't brush her own hair and part it so it looks nice, she wears the SAME old BORING clothes over and over again.....and rarely puts on clothes that are cute.  She has NO sense of style and looks like an idiot almost every day...even at church!  It is really disappointing to me to have a daughter who has no idea how to look adorable and bouncy!  ARGH!  The more you push her, the more she pushes back, she doesn't work hard in school, she hates going to her activities, she gave up piano and show choir, she DOES NOTHING with her life!......I am SO done!  SO, last weekend we went to Las Vegas and had a great time without the kids.....at least I did.  (apparently Bill didn't have as much fun as I did because he told me today that we never have fun together and connect---Oh---want to KILL him!  Mr. Exaggeration!!!!!).  SO, we had decided (at least that's what I understood....but....want to KILL Bill....apparently we DID NOT!) to look into options for Maggie to go away---to a program over the summer.  I did....I looked into one that was $30,000 for 80 days.  WHICH, Bill thought was a bit too much (because he is so GD shortsighted that he can't grasp the forest for the trees AGAIN-  EXHAUSTING FOR ME!!  Want to KILL him!).  I am willing to concede that the $30,000 is a bit much for an 80 day program that will probably not get us where we want to for Maggie....but SHIT!  I am freeking tired of the constant work of raising 3 kids with challenges and being in a marriage with a man who can't reason or see the big picture.  He is so ignorant that he doesn't understand relationships, he wants SO much from me yet expects me to drop everything and come to him.  OH....I can't I can't I can't.......I have to leave.....forever.  WISHFUL thinking...

So, instead of leaving....I want to find a good place for Maggie.....a good place that she will be HAPPY, make friends, have relationships, learn resiliency, self reliance, independence, and fortitude!  I want those things for Maggie because I don't want her to live a life of sadness and loneliness and lacking success.  I want to provide the tools she needs to have a better chance at success than I think she has at this point.....and I think I am going to have to send her somewhere with Bill Kicking and screaming because I can't make him see the SOUND and logical reasons for doing it (he is pretty much, well, stupid!).  To me....it is an investment in her future and if I don't do it now....she will REALLY struggle.  SO, I started looking into some places (NO harm in that, right?  Well according to Bill it is, because he wants the bunnies to be hopping down the path while we sit intimately next to each other and search the web for places!  GAG!).... most in AZ.  She has been turned down from one because they don't think they can handle Maggie's issues.  I spoke to another today at length and that seems like a good option.....so I filled out the application (friggin took me all morning!).  Copper Canyon Academy.  Full on staff to support her emotionally and work on her challenges.  I would SO love to do it.  The other place I have sent off for information to is Orme school.  I have yet to hear from them.

Now....Nicolas.  Tonight....exhausting.  No help for Nicolas so I had to do all his chores with him, do his homework, and make sure he did what he needs to do--bath, feed, brush teeth, to bed.  He doesn't do those things alone...so, in between Lexi's homework, getting dinner, cleaning up from dinner, and getting Lexi on her way to getting a bath....I had to bathe Nicolas.  He is NOT independent.  There is no way anyone with typical kids can understand the exhaustion of having a mentally retarded kid...he is almost 14 and I am still doing his bath.  My sister has twins and I know how busy they are....but- WOULD DO THAT IN A HEART BEAT!  HELLLLLLOOOOOOO!  CAN YOU SAY END IN SIGHT????  I KNOW I could!  I don't know when the end is for him except the horrid day he dies.....but, nobody 'gets' that....NOT even people going through chemotherapy!  I would GIVE ANYTHING for a chemotherapy to "cure" my autistic kid and my son.  SO they have the hope of a healthy and "normal" life.

Now, Lexi.....I wanted to rip her head off.  She was so difficult (well, she is difficult a lot!).  She wouldn't do her homework.....because she was "SOOOO, hungry!" WHAH, WHAH!  So she practiced piano until I served her....and then she piddled through dinner as if she had eaten a full meal 5 min ago!  ARGH!!!  SO, dinner (up and down, not pulled into the table, talking about things that make no sense or have no interest to ANYONE!)....then bath, then 1 1/2 hours of homework.

NOW, it is 10 pm.  Maggie is finished with homework, Lexi is finally finished, and Nicolas is in bed with Maggie reading to him....Bill is on his way to bed.  Lexi needs to brush her teeth, Nicolas needs his good night kiss and Maggie needs to get to bed...lunches are not made....so that needs to be done...

Today....I oriented an older lady, Helen, to work Monday & Tuesday evenings (to help with dinner, laundry, and doing dishes) and a cleaning day.  I usually have to finish homework and then do the dishes....it was nice to have the dishes done.  BUT, orienting new people is so exhausting.  SO many questions, so many REPETITIVE questions, and so much to tell.  So many little things....I have to let go of so much and it is so hard for me to see things done in a way that doesn't seem right (to me)..but are NOT going to kill anyone if done that way.  Where does this go, who does this belong to?  How do you fold this?  Where do you keep the vacuum?  Where's the mop?  What do you use to clean the counters......YADA YADA YADA!  OMG!  I can't wait to have someone who I like.  Someone with energy, organizational skills, good personality, willingness to do most everything told to do, and NOT SPACEY!!!!  Oh LORD!  Give me smart and quick.  NOT SURE THAT IS HELEN.....we will see.

ME.....well....let's just say....there must be something wrong with me because Bill thinks there is.  SO...it must be true.  The reason he thinks there is something wrong with me is because I DID NOT DO ANYTHING productive on Friday (Well, I did run!).  AND, when he walked in the kitchen he said...."what did you do all day?"  The house looks like a disorganized mess!  HA!  Just like that story I love so  much....husband comes home to a house that is a wreck and his wife is in bed reading magazines and watching TV....the husband comes in and says "what did you do today?"....wife says...."well, let's put it this way.... I didn't do what I normally do!".  YUP....that was me on Friday and very much what I would like to do every day these days because of how exhausting it is to have 4 challenged people depending on me.......

I NEED to go to bed.....TTFN!




September 17th

Today....up early to take Maggie to Pilates.  She always struggles with waking up (takes after her mama!).  I took Nicolas, in his pjs, and left Lexi home sleeping.  She was 10 min late.  When I arrived home I knew Lexi was awake because the bag of frozen (not so frozen any more) donuts was out on the counter.  Tell tale sign!  Of course she was in front of cartoons in the bonus room.  There was much to be done, so I asked her to turn off the TV and come help me dry dishes, do dishes, feed the cats and dogs, and start some laundry. 

Lost blog....did not return to finish....